Specifically, we read about two events that took place on that day. First, Jesus entered Jerusalem being hailed as a King. Then, immediately following this, according to the Gospel of Luke, Jesus went into the temple and cast out the people who had turned it from a house of prayer into one of profit.

Now, there’s a lot going on in this story, but I suggest that one thing to learn here is the importance of “getting real” with yourself at the beginning of a spiritual struggle. The arrest and execution of Jesus–and therefore his resurrection–came about in part because his actions on Palm Sunday both openly declared war on the religious power structure operating in the temple in Jerusalem, and also represented an act of treason against the civil authority of the Emperor of Rome. Likewise, true spiritual battle doesn’t really happen until we acknowledge the authority of the Lord in our lives and also admit that there are things in our mind–evil and false things–that hold us back from fully accepting all the goodness God is trying to do for and through us. Attaining the spiritual potential he sees in each of us requires that we first “get real” and objectively observe the good and the bad within us.

So my challenge to everyone today was to take stock of life, and find some quiet time to consider the thoughts and affections of their minds and the actions that flow from them. And to make a list of all the good that is from the Lord. And then to acknowledge just one bad desire–a selfish tendency, a greedy attitude, an unloving habit, etc. And for the rest of the week, to just be mindful. See what comes up. Be aware.

So I thought I’d share my own results from this process of self examination. You don’t have to share your results out loud, but sometimes it can be helpful. Sometimes, though, what you find in yourself is hard to share. Don’t worry about that. You don’t have to completely follow my example to learn from it.

So here goes…

First, I see God in my life. How? I love my job. My calling. My church. My wife. Each of my children. These are all gifts from the Lord that I have done nothing to earn. I cherish them.

But going deeper, I realize that my very ability to love each of these is itself from the Lord. It is the Lord in me. My capacity to cherish, my desire to serve, and the joy I get from doing so, are also pure gifts, the result of God’s infinite grace and mercy.

Going further, I realize that the Lord has given me skills, talents, dispositions, resources, connections and experiences that make my life what it is and that have allowed me to achieve all that I have achieved. And I can’t take credit for any of them! For instance, I’m a reasonably smart person, and that has helped me accomplish some things, but I would be (and at times have been!) a total fool to even begin to think that was something I had anything to do with. If anything I have dishonored the gift over the years by slacking off in school, by using it for lazy purposes, and even at times using it for purely selfish–even petty–purposes.

And the same is true for any other trait or talent or ability I might ever accept a compliment for or be proud of or whatever. If it’s good, it’s from God. So, thank you, Lord, for all of these things!

Now, I could say a lot about what I might repent of. Already my mind is being drawn to selfish, arrogant and lazy ways I have misused whatever I have been given for selfish ends, but this week I just want to focus, laser-like, on one very specific thing. In fact, it is a thing that I have been aware of for a few weeks now, and I’m tired of it holding me back, and tripping me up.

Lately I have become increasingly aware of the fact that I sometimes struggle with trust. Part of it is just the result of having been hurt in the distant past; we all know what it’s like to have our trust shaken, right?

But I’ve come to believe there’s more to it in what’s going on with me these days. I’ve observed in myself a voice that seems to want to dwell in mistrust. If I’m being completely honest with myself–and that IS the point of this spiritual practice, after all–I have to acknowledge that some small, broken part of me actually enjoys the worry and fear that comes from not trusting.

And this is a very subtle thing. I mean, my difficulty with trusting isn’t something that plays out on the stage of my life much; it’s almost entirely an inner thing. I don’t much act on it, but in the depth of my mind it’s there, breeding quiet worries that I barely notice but that nevertheless undermine my connection with the Lord. I didn’t see them at all until something small prompted me to look deeper into my own motivations a little while back.

And now, thinking further on it, I have come to believe that part of what is going on is that hell is using the perfectly natural instinct to avoid being hurt by misplaced trust to stir up in me a desire to control that which I have no right to control. Thus a subtle insecurity can, over time, be turned into a selfishness that could some day poison relationships, the greatest of which being my relationship with the Lord. If I let it.

Now, there are other things in my life that don’t belong, either. But this subtle thing is actually a serious potential threat to my spiritual health and I’d like to get it under watch now, before it does major damage. And, frankly, this is one of the things I struggle with that I am actually (somewhat) comfortable sharing in such a public way. Like you, I have many things about me that need a little work, but many of them are things I only share with the very closest of my confidants, if with anyone at all. I’m sure you understand.

So for this week, for the sake of this public exercise of what is often a very private spiritual practice, I’m choosing to work on how a subtle difficulty with trust can undermined relationships by stirring up a selfish need for control.

That’s my suspicion, at least. I am going to spend this week mindful of my feelings, and of the thoughts those feelings generate. I’m on the lookout for worry and distrust, but more particularly for any controlling desires that get excited by my fears. And if it turns out that my theory is right, I’m going to take the next step.

But that’s a topic for another post.

Interesting question…

Anyway, this morning, we read a very short story about Jesus, and I found it particularly intriguing:

The Pharisees came and began to argue with him, seeking from him a sign from heaven to test him. And he sighed deeply in his spirit and said, “Why does this generation seek a sign? Truly, I say to you, no sign will be given to this generation.” And he left them, got into the boat again, and went to the other side. (Mark 8:11-13)

I love that!

First of all, Jesus was in the middle of a tour of the land in which he was going around casting out demons, curing deafness, and had only one paragraph previously fed thousands of people with just a handful of food, and not for the first time!

But the Pharisees wanted a “sign”.

And the Lord’s reaction? Wow. We all smiled at that, and laughed a little in sympathy. What a powerfully human reaction: he “sighed deeply in his spirit”. Of course he did!

But it was his next move that really grabbed my interest the most.

Did he argue with them? Nope. He said, “A sign? Sorry, can’t help you.” And that’s it! He didn’t point out all the signs he’d already provided, he didn’t explain to them what was wrong with their question, he didn’t call them out for what they were really doing or point out that they didn’t want a sign. I think I would have. Would you? He basically said they couldn’t have any signs, which I understand as him saying, “If you haven’t seen any ‘signs’ so far, then you’re not ever going to.” That’s powerful. But not overpowering.

Did he give them a sign? Well, technically, he had many times, and would many times again. He spent years doing miraculous things that could be taken as “signs”. But people were always able to interpret his actions in different ways. At one point, some theorized that he could cast out demons because he was somehow allied with them. But I think he could have given them a sign they would have to see. That they couldn’t ignore, or explain away, or deny. He could have opened a doorway to hell and taken them on a tour, then taken them up to heaven and shown them around. But he didn’t. He could have called down fire right there and then, but he didn’t. He could have reached into their minds and taken away their freedom of thought, reached into their hearts and forced them to want to worship him. But he didn’t.

Instead, he got in a boat and sailed away.

Sailed away!

I bet many there interpreted that as a sign of weakness. But that was powerful. When you know you’re right and good, and the people you’re with don’t want to hear that, go spend time with someone else!

Now, Jesus sometimes engaged people like this in debate. Sometimes he preached to them. But sometimes he just walked away. (Or in this case, sailed away.)

So what does this tell us? FIrst, it says something about the nature of God. Namely, that he isn’t going to force or trick or argue or debate anyone into doing anything. He wants more than anything else for us to love him. And love can only be given freely. It’s part of the definition. So if we don’t choose to follow, to worship, to believe, to obey, to love, then that’s that. He won’t force the issue. The sentence my daughter found to read at the beginning of this morning’s gathering relates to this idea:

Behold, the LORD’S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear:  But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear. (Isaiah 59:1-2)

He is always reaching out to us, but we do things that throw up barriers between us and him. If we don’t want those barriers removed, then he’s not going to force his way through to us. Instead, he patiently waits.

So what does this say about our own lives? One of my sons pointed out that it’s a reminder to be more aware of the signs the Lord has given that are all around us all the time. His brother connected it to this really cool video:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0OfNnFcBVw

(Quick aside: I highly recommend you, right now, go and subscribe to that guy’s YouTube channel. Go on. I’ll wait.)

Now, what I personally was drawn to this morning was the idea that, sometimes, the best thing to do when confronted with conflict, hate, obtuseness, temptation, is to just sail away. Cross over to the other side. Go spend time with different people, different ideas, different affections.

And that’s just skimming the surface. This four-sentence vignette from the life of Jesus has tons more depth to it that I’m not even beginning to mention here. What is that boat a symbol of? Why is it significant that it was Pharisees he sailed away from and not Sadducees, or lawyers, or tax collectors, or the demon-possessed? What’s the significance of the fact that he crossed water, rather than just walked away down a road?

But I’ll leave exploring that to you.

For me, for this moment, I’m taking away from this the following idea.

Sometimes, it is best to be like water: flow where gravity takes you, passing over and around the barriers, ever moving forward. And maybe in passing you will eventually wear down some rough edges. But don’t worry about that. Just change direction when you have to, and move on.

We’ve been meeting quietly for half a year, and now it’s time to switch from quiet to loud. And it’s weird. Why? Because we are heading into unexplored territory and have no idea what will happen next. Will we get so many people showing up that there isn’t parking and seating for everyone? Will we get no one? Will the people who come check us out find value in what we offer? Or will our non-traditional take on Christianity make us a target of hatred?

Or will the Lord bless us with exactly what we need to learn and grow?

Why do roller coaster riders throw their hands in the air?

Well…

• The IRS still hasn’t finished processing New Way’s 501(c)3 application, so we don’t yet have our non-profit bulk mail permit, so our advertising costs for our launch campaign are going to be higher than planned.
• I think I may be coming down with something between a cold and a flu.
• Since adding a puppy to our household, I have had less sleep every night.
• I have no idea what I’m doing.
• I still miss my father.
• I am still processing all sorts of confusing thoughts and feelings about life and death.
• I am far away from my siblings and my mother.
• I am not as good a husband or father as I would like to be.
• I am easily distracted.
• I am heavier than I want to be.
• I am becoming increasingly aware of my own mortality.
• I keep fighting the same spiritual battles over and over.
• I am connected with an organization that is experiencing simultaneous financial, cultural, and structural crises.
• I regularly struggle to understand the big questions, let alone their answers.
• I treat my dark side like a pet.
• I’m tired.

But on the other hand…

• I have an amazingly solid marriage to a wonderful person.
• Every one of my kids is a healthy, intelligent, loving, happy person.
• I live in a good house in a nice neighborhood in a fun city in a privileged nation in an amazing time in a beautiful world.
• I am living out a life’s dream, and not for the first time.
• I am in constant dialogue with amazing people all around me.
• Our puppy is really, really cute. And sweet. And (for a puppy) quite easygoing.
• I don’t need to worry about personal finances.
• I love and am loved by many people.
• I can play music any time I like.
• I live near The Salt Lick, Torchy’s Tacos, and a hundred good coffee shops.
• I’ve been making good progress on New Way’s website.
• I’m excited by what seems to me to be a new wave swelling far off shore in the broad spiritual movement that is the New Church.
• I like what I do.
• I have a pool.
• I am rarely too cold anymore.
• I had a great family Christmas.
• I mostly can make my own hours.
• I am regularly amazed, enlightened and moved by what I learn from God’s Word.

So, all in all, I guess…what?

I guess life doesn’t work that way. It’s not a balance sheet, or a see-saw, or a list. So what is it? Well, mostly it’s a “now” that’s heavily complicated by a no-longer existant past and a never quite here future.

And because I am prepping to preach about spiritual self-improvement, I thought I’d share my physical self-improvement experience with others, and use it as a jumping off point to talk about what it takes to overcome barriers that may be preventing you from finding meaning in your life and fulfilling that meaning.

But I’ve said enough. Here’s the video from this morning:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VF_b96mT8M

So what do you think? How do you feel about exercise? How does that connect with spiritual health?

I’ve read quite a bit on the natural and psychological causes of suicide. Suicide is usually linked to either mood disorders, personality disorders, or substance abuse. Also, along with the typical addiction, schizophrenia, depression, etc, there are often life circumstances that compound the situation. People who attempt to end their own lives often feel trapped, unable to escape, without hope, afraid. Often, they feel despair.

But despair can come from other causes, too. Not all despair is due to a chemical imbalance making it impossible for a person to have the right perspective to see that suicide is a permanent non-solution to a temporary problem. There is also spiritual despair.

Spiritual despair is when you are faced with the impossibility of your own redemption. When you look at your own dysfunctional behavior and at evil you discover in your own heart and cannot see any hope of change. Despair is often the final stage of the spiritual trials we call temptations. Spiritual despair causes you to feel like you’re drowning, like you’ve been punched in the gut, like you’re trapped under the ice, like you can’t draw a breath and soon will suffocate if you can’t manage to somehow escape the flood and suck in some air. In despair, things that once seemed certain–the existence of God, the love of friends, the value of life–fall to doubt and even rejection.

I’ve been there. I have been certain that life has no meaning. I’ve been convinced there’s no hope for my soul. I’ve never been suicidal. But I most certainly have despaired.

I’m not saying most suicides are connected to spiritual temptation alone. As I said earlier, suicide is heavily linked with mental illness. Usually it involves someone whose brain is not allowing them to see the full spectrum of possibilities in their lives. Depression is a natural ailment, but it imitates a spiritual one, and hell will use any tool it can get its hands on to destroy a person. So there is a spiritual component to suicide. Just not the one most traditionally expounded by western religions. The Christian idea of suicide as a special kind of sin comes from medieval theologians, not the Bible. Yes, suicide is horribly hurtful to all the people left behind; it is evil. But committing suicide doesn’t have any special go-directly-to-hell-do-not-pass-go rules associated with it. It is one more short-sighted, hurtful mistake among the thousands we humans often commit.

But despair is evil. It is not evil to despair, but to cause it. We are spiritual beings, surrounded by an unseen world that influences us nonetheless. There is a heaven and there is a hell, and hell doesn’t like you very much. Despair is a powerful tool for hell.

Despair can cause you not only to kill yourself physically, but to attempt spiritual suicide as well. To decide, “Well, I’m not the sort of person that belongs in a church.” To say to yourself, “What difference does it make what decision I make. It’s not like I’m ever going to heaven, anyway.” To declare, “There is no God, so it doesn’t matter which decision I make.” Despair sets you up for the next temptation, shatters your resolve so that you backslide into behaviors you had been trying to break free from. Like going on an eating binge just because you slipped once in your diet, despair can trigger a series of decisions that themselves lead to even more despair.

Don’t let despair get you. Spiritual despair tells you that you are no good. It’s a nasty trick, because it takes the very true idea that all goodness comes from the Lord, and turns it on its ear. The Lord said, “I am the vine, you are the branches. Without me you can do nothing.” Despair says there is no God, so there is no good. Or if there is a God, he wouldn’t help you, because you are no good.”

That’s a lie. The Lord is forever flowing into ever person’s heart, inspiring in every person a desire to do good. You just have to accept it. You have to give it a place in your heart to land. True, you cannot overcome your spiritual temptations, but if you let Him, the Lord can.

When someone is drowning, they will instinctively act in ways that make it hard to save them. A drowning person is a dangerous thing. Ask a lifeguard. When you are in spiritual despair, your instincts are all wrong. Stop flailing. Surrender. Ask the Lord to save you from your despair, and then wait. He will save you, if you give Him permission. And He promises that after despair comes comfort. That after struggle comes rest. After combat, victory. Read the Psalms.

Moreover, when you are in despair, you are on the threshold of something good! Read Seth Godin’s The Dip. We often quit the wrong things at the wrong times. The great things in life only come after struggle.

Read through Secrets of Heaven. Over and over you will see references to spiritual rebirth as a result of spiritual struggle. And know that hell wouldn’t need to attack so fiercely if heaven wasn’t just around the corner.

My friend Jason killed himself a few days ago. I’m angry. Sad. Guilty. Irrational. Heartbroken. Full of “what if”. None of what I write here changes anything for him. It doesn’t give his family what they most want. It doesn’t undo the pain his friends are in.

But maybe some day you will be in despair, too. And maybe some tiny spark hidden deep within you will latch on to some small part of what I’ve said today. And it will give you the strength to get your head above the flood one more time, for one more breath. And you will be able to hold out, to buy time, to do whatever you need to do to get through your spiritual struggle so you can return to a place where hope again shines.

God Himself has felt it. He knows what we go through. He’s been there. And He’s defeated it. And if you let Him, He’ll defeat it for you, too. In Secrets of Heaven it says this:

All temptation is attended with some appearance of despair; otherwise it is not temptation… They who are being tempted are brought into anxieties, which induce a state of despair concerning the end: the very combat of temptation is nothing else… As the Lord endured the most direful and cruel of temptations of all, He, also, could not but be driven into despairs, which He dispelled and overcame by His Own Power.

Faith saves. But faith isn’t saying a certain prayer, or making a certain statement. Faith is living as if you trust that the Lord will save you. And to be able to honestly have that trust, you need to make an effort. Fight on a little longer. Do something for someone else no matter how you feel about yourself. Take another breath. Trust in the Lord, and He will keep His promises.

I could say, “Don’t despair.” But despair happens without our choosing. Rather, when you despair, hope anyway.

We sold our home when I was ordained, because we knew we would be moving to Pittsburgh. We rented in Pittsburgh (Edgewood, actually) because I knew we’d be there only one to three years, and that’s too short of a timeframe to be buying and selling real estate. Then, when I was called back to Bryn Athyn, we rented again, this time in Huntingdon Valley. Again, no purchase, because I was certain that I’d need to move out to plant a church within one or two years.

The houses in Edgewood and in Huntingdon Valley each had their good points, but they were each somebody else’s. Now, sitting here in my study in our one-story house in the Highland Hills part of the city of Austin, I’m a homeowner again. Now, for the first time in a long time, I truly feel home.

Tomorrow is Sunday. Our plan is to use many Sundays in the coming seven months (except those on which we are doing a monthly worship gathering with New Way Church, of course!) as chances to visit neighboring churches of all types and sizes, and worship with our neighbors, and with strangers. Many of these Sundays we’ll worship as a family at home, too. Tomorrow is something special, though. Tomorrow we are dedicating our home to the Lord.

As part of the dedication, we will read together four readings from the Word. Here they are.

Divine Providence 338:4:

Everyone after death comes into a society of his own people, that is, of those who are in a similar love, and he recognizes them as relatives and friends, and what is wonderful, when he meets them and sees them it is as if he had known them from infancy. This is the result of spiritual relationship and friendship; and what is more, no one in a society can live in any other house than his own, each one in a society having his own house, which he finds ready for him as soon as he enters the society. He may take part with others in meetings outside his own house, but still he cannot dwell anywhere else.

Genesis 12:1-9:

Now the Lord had said to Abram:

“Get out of your country,
From your family
And from your father’s house,
To a land that I will show you.
I will make you a great nation;
I will bless you
And make your name great;
And you shall be a blessing.
I will bless those who bless you,
And I will curse him who curses you;
And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”

So Abram departed as the Lord had spoken to him, and Lot went with him. And Abram was seventy-five years old when he departed from Haran. Then Abram took Sarai his wife and Lot his brother’s son, and all their possessions that they had gathered, and the people whom they had acquired in Haran, and they departed to go to the land of Canaan. So they came to the land of Canaan. Abram passed through the land to the place of Shechem, as far as the terebinth tree of Moreh. And the Canaanites were then in the land. Then the Lord appeared to Abram and said, “To your descendants I will give this land.” And there he built an altar to the Lord, who had appeared to him. And he moved from there to the mountain east of Bethel, and he pitched his tent with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east; there he built an altar to the Lord and called on the name of the Lord. So Abram journeyed, going on still toward the South.

Luke 10:1-9:

After these things the Lord appointed seventy others also, and sent them two by two before His face into every city and place where He Himself was about to go. Then He said to them, “The harvest truly is great, but the laborers are few; therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest. Go your way; behold I send you out as lambs among wolves. Carry neither money bag, knapsack, nor sandals; and greet no one along the road. But whatever house you enter, first say, ‘Peace to this house.’ And if a son of peace is there, your peace will rest on it; if not, it will return to you. And remain in the same house, eating and drinking such things as they give, for the laborer is worthy of his wages. Do not go from house to house. Whatever city you enter, and they receive you, eat such things as are set before you. And heal the sick there, and say to them, ‘The kingdom of God has come near to you.’”

Deuteronomy 6:4-7:

Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart; you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. (Deuteronomy 6:4-7)

This is my home. Thank you, Lord, for leading us to it, and help us to put it to use in service to you.

“Back to School” ads always made me angry as a kid, and frankly don’t please me much even today. I associate the end of summer with the end of freedom, the beginning of anxiety, and a significant uptick in the number of meetings I have to go to. Every night the cicadas grow louder as they play their requiem to joy, and before we know it, all the plant life around us will begin to die. Bleh!

At the same time, I am very aware that I am actually (to me, surprisingly) in the minority in this regard. So normally I keep these feelings mostly to myself. And I respect the fact that others quicken at the thought of buying new trapper keepers and look forward to the air eventually becoming “crisp”. I respect them, because I have learned that it’s okay for other people to be wrong, sometimes.

In all seriousness, there are plenty of things going on around us this week that could make a person smile. I just thought it’d be a rare treat for you to read a Pastor’s Box written from the perspective of a curmudgeon. The Lord promised in Genesis that we would never see an end to “seed time and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, and day and night”. Hidden within this statement is the spiritual truth that even angels in heaven go through fluctuating states of spiritual summer and winter. So although the state of a spiritually reborn individual is generally that of an optimist, they nevertheless have their better and their less good days, attitude-wise. So hopefully you’ll permit this sinner his moment wallowing in the dark tea-time of the soul, now and then.